


But You Are Not Here Anymore

by rapunzel23



Category: A Court of Thorns and Roses Series - Sarah J. Maas
Genre: Angst, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-06
Updated: 2018-05-06
Packaged: 2019-05-03 07:07:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,591
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14563662
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rapunzel23/pseuds/rapunzel23
Summary: Feyre has to face a difficult goodbye.





	But You Are Not Here Anymore

‘Hey, you alri- you holding up okay?’ Mor whispered in her ear. It was such a subjective question. Feyre had no idea how to answer it. What did she mean by okay? Because she was in no way alright.

Considering the current situation though; Feyre nodded her head. She was just about as okay as could be expected in this scenario. Again her eyes found their way to the open casket a few feet away. The pain in her throat intensified. She did not have the words… she…

He looked like he was sleeping. With the sun shining on his face, illuminating his golden skin and raven hair, he looked as if he would wake up. Roll over onto his side and with his voice enticingly raspy say, ‘Morning, my love.’

Feyre had to close her eyes for a moment. She could almost see it. Him. In the soft light of early morning, in their bed. Could almost feel his warm hands brush away the hair from her face.

But when she opened her eyes, there was only the gentle caress of the wind on her face. Someone else came up to her, offered their condolences and pulled her into a hug. And it went on.

She wanted to be left alone in her grief but she wanted to do this as well. For him. As hard as it was, it had to be done. These people wanted to pay their respects. To pray for him. He would have wanted them here. He deserved that. He deserved the world.

Soon they were outside and he was being lowered into the ground. Feyre was somehow simultaneously completely numb to it all, and yet acutely aware of everything. It didn’t make sense. Nothing made sense. Rhys- Rhys was dead. The word clanged around her head. Dead. He was gone. Forever.

Cassian’s hand was on her back in quiet support. She wasn’t in denial. She knew he was dead. That he was never coming back. Yet somehow the complete implications of that hadn’t sunk in yet. How he would never again wake her up with slow kisses. How she would never again kiss him goodbye. They would not get drunk together and dance under the night sky. He would never again smile a-

She cut off the thought. Couldn’t bear it. An endless number of never-agains stretched out before her. She would have to consider and contend with that later. For now she had to get through the day, the next hour.

She stepped out of Cassian’s hold and walked forward with her fist full of soil. She could feel the grass through the soles of her black flats as if she were barefoot. The weather forecast had predicted the sunny day she had woken up to but now dark grey storm clouds rolled across the sky. As if the world itself were mourning the loss of a beautiful soul.

Feyre stood with her right hand slightly extended above where Rhysand now lay six feet under. She could not unclench her fist. Her hands may have been shaking. On her other hand her thumb twisted and worried the band on her ring finger. I’m not strong enough to let you go, she thought.

Accompanied by the deep rumble of thunder clouds, a fresh, cool breeze blew across the plain, rustling the leaves of the trees encircling the meadow. Blowing strands of hair away from her face. The wind was reminiscent of peace when everything inside of her was in turmoil, but Rhysand, he would have loved this wind.

A few rapid blinks and she swallowed back thickly. She realized she’d been standing here for a while now, arm raised, muscles cramping. No one had said a single word.

But she slowly uncurled her fingers; let the soil drain through them.

Feyre stepped back into place and one by one people dropped soil onto him. Azriel’s face seemed carved entirely of granite, a stony mask in place. When everyone had finished, the remaining soil was shoveled onto the casket fast disappearing from view. Cassian remained by her side, a silent pillar of strength. Her eyes were fixated on the soil filling up the hole, nails digging into her palm painfully.

And then it was done. And the crowd dissipated leaving behind the inner circle only. It was all so quick. How long had the entire thing – the service and burial- taken? An hour? Two?

Just a few moments to honor everything he was. Had been. These people had come, shed a few tears. They had been briefly touched by grief, and now they had gone home. By next week they will have forgotten all about him. Rhysand would only be a passing memory to them if that.

But what about her? What was she to do? How was she to cope with this loss? Rhys- he… He had been everything. They had built a life together. And now he was gone.

Feyre took in the freshly tilled earth among the sea of green grass. The headstone which read:

Beloved,

Friend, cousin, husband.

To the stars who listen. And the dreams that are answered.

Their friends still stood there. They had been so supportive. Azriel had quickly and efficiently organized everything for today. Mor had notified every one of the news and sent out messages. Cassian had put together the food for the wake. In some deep recess of her she was beyond grateful.

But for this last goodbye…

She let out a shaky breath. ‘I – I need some—‘

‘Can I – a moment alone with him,’ she tried again. ‘Please -‘ her voice cracked.

Mor nodded in understanding, ‘Of course. We’ll be in the church.’

‘No. Go on ahead. I- I’ll be a while.’

They left, with a lingering look at where Rhys lay buried and a worried glance at her. Feyre didn’t know if the cold was from the surrounding or from inside her.

She pulled her coat tightly around the black, knee-length dress she was wearing. Going around she sat down on the grass beside the headstone, feet tucked beneath her. Ran her fingers through the soil he was pressed beneath. Then leaned her head against the tomb-stone.

Feyre thought back to only a few months ago when he was still alive. When he had just been diagnosed. She had sat beside his hospital bed saying, ‘I don’t want to lose you.’

He lifted their conjoined hands and pressed a gentle kiss to the back of her palm. ‘It is not time to worry yet’

Only a month later she had rushed him to the hospital in the middle of the night. He was having difficulty breathing. A severe nosebleed left his mouth, his chin dripping in blood. Hold on, stay with me, she had whispered throughout the car ride, and then later relentlessly pacing outside the doors of the OR.

Rhysand was unable to leave the hospital again. He should stay, the doctors had said. His condition has to be monitored.

A few days later Feyre lay beside Rhys on top of the covers of his hospital bed, when he began to speak of transferring shares, finalizing his will and ensuring smooth transition of power.

‘I can’t- think about that right now. Not when you’re…’

He had assured her that she wouldn’t have to. He would take care of it all, and she looked at him in dismay. Rhys, self-sacrificing as always. Always putting his family – their family - before himself.

‘Together. We’ll figure this out,’ she told him. He would not be alone in this.

But the disease had accelerated. And he had stopped responding to the treatment. The medication would only work for so long.

Then one day, ‘I thank God for the time we’ve had.’

‘Rhys what-‘

He reached out and cupped her face, ‘I am grateful. Beyond grateful that I found you. That we found each other. That I got to love you, and that you love me.’

He kissed her and whispered against her lips, ‘I love you. Always.’

That night, on Wednesday, May 2nd, at 1:25 a.m. Rhys died.

With her cheek pressed against stone, Feyre realized that she was crying. More time had passed than she had realized. It was pretty much dark out, and that previous hint of rain in the air was no longer so. Because now it was not only her tears running tracks down her face.

She knew she should get up and leave. She was getting more and more drenched every minute, and she seemed to be the only person left in the graveyard. But she could not get herself to move.

Feyre whispered to the dark sky, to the wind and the rain, to the soil and the gravestone she rested her head against. To any soul listening, ‘Rhys. Rhys, I love you.’

‘And I will love you for the rest of my life.’ She was completely sobbing by then. Deep shuddering sobs that left her gasping for breath.

Out of the darkness came wet footsteps. And then strong, muscular arms went around her back and behind her knees, lifting her to a warm, strong chest.

Cassian. Lifting her up and carrying her away. He held her shivering, still sobbing form close and said, ‘We need to get you dry.’

She wanted to struggle, to say no, to tell him to leave her alone; but all that came out was a broken, ‘I can’t leave him.’

Cassian pulled her even closer and held her tighter. ‘I know sweetheart. I know.’

**Author's Note:**

> very first fic so i hope it's ok.  
> constructive criticism is much appreciated and valued


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